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Less Than Aroused: Why Her Desire Is Gone But His Isn’t

She’s lost her sex drive a few years after college. Her boyfriend is angry at the change in desire. Now it’s constant arguing between them. What can she do to be more interested in sex, without taking medication?

Case #: 1758

Concern：

I noticed my sex drive has really fluctuated and is currently really low, 2 years after I graduated from college. I have a boyfriend, we have been together for a number of years, and lately it has been constant arguing because I have a low sex drive. I just don't want to have sex sometimes. He argues that I used to and after thinking about it, he's right. I would always want to have sex. My sex drive is gone. Please help me, I don't want to take any sort of medication and I definitely don't want any more arguing with us. I just want us to both have a really nice time whenever we have sex.

Discussion：

There are a number of reasons for why your sex drive might have fluctuated in the past few years. One reason is due to hormonal upheaval; your hormones can change radically even in the span of a few years. The second reason is due to stress and anxiety. These emotions can really depress your sex drive, and the difference in lifestyle during and after college can certainly have this effect.

Sexually Unbalanced

In reality, both of these problems stem from an imbalance of hormones. Decreased libido in females is related to a dearth of testosterone. Decreased sexual desire, satisfaction, and enjoyment are related to oxytocin, which in turn is related to estrogen. Hormones change over time for women, much more so than they do for men. A decrease in testosterone for females is usually difficult to pinpoint, but it’s easy to see where a decrease in oxytocin comes from.

Too Stressed to Sex

Cortisol is the hormone that creates a stress response in the body. Racing heart, cravings for sweets, fatigue, stress and depression all stem from this powerful chemical. It’s triggered whenever you feel nervous or under pressure. Over time, the effects of cortisol can become detrimental to your health—creating weight gain, headaches, foggy-headedness, and a lack of sexual pleasure.

That’s right, cortisol is the sex killer at work here. And why? Because cortisol eats up the supply of food needed for the production of happier hormones: estrogen, progesterone, and oxytocin. To bring your sex life back around, you need to fight this flood of anxiety with a mood booster.

Fight Hormone with Hormone

Of all the hormones, oxytocin will be the most beneficial to you right now, and it is quite easy to initiate its presence in the body. Simply be touched! Oxytocin is released when you are touched in a loving or caring manner, or when you touch another in the same way, such as when petting an animal, or cuddling a child or partner. You can boost this function by stimulating an oxytocin-heavy production area: the nipples. Nipple stimulation has been shown to dramatically increase oxytocin levels.

Heavy Petting

Why not try a sensual massage? The pleasant and soothing caresses will have your oxytocin levels overflowing, which will in turn put you into a sensual mood, and contributes to an easy and enjoyable orgasm. Massage has also been shown to reduce cortisol through this same mechanism, and through the release of dopamine and seratonin.

Fun for Two

If your boyfriend is already unhappy about your lack of sexual desire, I’m not sure he’s going to be super keen on having to massage you to regain your sexual edge. If he’s not, take yourself out for a massage—then you can enjoy the benefits stress-free. Why make the massage fun for both of you? There are a variety of fun massage canldes: some glow in the dark, some melt when warmed, and some are edible! It’s certainly worth your while to find a solution that’s fun for two. (TRY: Passion Boosting Erotic Candle Massage)

I’m sure you’ll soon be jumping between the sheets again. Good luck with your partner; be sure to have fun!