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When the Back Door is No Longer Exit Only: She’s Willing to Try Anal Sex but Needs to Address a Few Concerns First

Her husband wants anal sex, and although she’s willing, she is admittedly scared. She’s never explored this far before and needs reassurance before going further.

Case #: 1655


My husband has always been a big fan of anal sex. He watched porn when we weren’t living together and before he met me. I want to have anal sex with him, but I am afraid of his penis going inside my anus. Will it bleed? Also, what are the safe techniques to use? I have never had it, and I am scared because I am unprepared and know it’s not like normal sex.


Anal sex is not like vaginal intercourse to say the least. While this may not be a woman’s favorite position, men seem to dote on it. To understand why, you must first understand the psychology behind anal sex. It is raw and primitive, affording no opportunity for pregnancy and thus negating the potential – at least in that instance – for procreation. This uninhibited pleasure is what appeals to men, and women who engage also report they feel a racy sense of sexiness that other acts of love don’t afford.

Anal Sex through the Ages

Historical art pieces from Asia and Europe depict heterosexual anal sex, thus suggesting this act was popular long ago. Anal sex was and still is highly regarded in some cultures because it affords pleasure and simultaneously serves as birth control. This act is increasingly popular among young people who don’t want to take oral contraceptives but do wish to explore sex.

Today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that around one-third of all heterosexual males and females have engaged in anal sex at least once in their lives. These rates are slightly higher for married couples who don’t have to worry about disease transmission. The appeal is in the symbolism of anal sex: women who give themselves to their partners in this way are perceived as more adventurous, more generous and even more sensual.

While porn films give anal sex a decidedly unfavorable reputation – the woman is always willing to have her body used without regard for anything but pleasure – men and women alike often view this act as surprisingly delicate. Many regard anal sex as a “gift” from the woman, one in which she submits her body entirely to her partner. We’re not talking about dominance or satisfying a penchant for pain. Rather, we’re depicting an act of love performed in the privacy of your bedroom that allows you and your husband to explore each other’s bodies.

We Won’t Mince Words – Anal Sex Can be Uncomfortable

Many women who engage in anal sex say they would not engage again. The pain isn’t as much the issue as the general discomfort. For this reason, it’s important that women remain in control during anal sex. Don’t let your husband take the reigns – he has no idea what will hurt or harm you. Instead, guide his penis slowly and gently. The anus is extremely sensitive, and rushing into sex with this orifice will turn you away from the act completely.

As you’re guiding, be sure to communicate with your husband how you feel. If something hurts, tell him and stop immediately. Similarly, if something feels good, let him know. Approaching anal sex as an act of love rather than a burden that must be endured will help you stay calm and relaxed. This last part – remaining relaxed – is especially critical. It will keep your body from tensing so his penis can glide smoothly inside.

The Most Important Tip of All: Lube

Regardless of how slow you go and/or how much the two of you talk, your adventure into anal sex is doomed if you don’t use lots of lube. (SEE: Guide for Choosing the Right Anal Lubricant) When we say lots, we mean lots. This will not only make the act more comfortable, but also protect against skin tears and bleeding. Lubes come in a variety of kinds, each with different textures, tastes and smells. Select the one that feels best to you, and remember: what happens in your bedroom, stays in your bedroom. Only you and your husband will ever know what you’ve just done.

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